i dont think i miss the way my step-mom slowly remodeled my house to make it not so much my mom's, but more or less hers. i dont think i miss the way my dad would come home really late after dinner and leave before i even realized it was morning time and would be gettin up in a few hours. i dont tihnk i miss the way my brother always hid out in his room, drawing or listening to his radio turned down so low that no one but him could here it or when hed stay outside as long as he could playing basketball before he got yelled at and damn near slapped. i know i dont miss the dorky clothes i wore or the modest lifestyle we had. i remember that i actually owned a pair of plain white leather keds like the ones that wore back in the fifties that i wore all the time cuz it was either that or sandals. i remember i always had to wear a headband, i think it was because my step mom said i had too much hair and it needed to stay out of my face and out of my way....more like her way if you ask me. i remember having ribbons and playing with barbies til i was about eleven or twelve, because i had no friends and my brother was long gone. i wasnt allowed to go outside by myself unless i was mowing which i only started doing because my brother was gone, my dad worked 24/7, and my step mom thought i needed some responsibility. i remember that one of the coolest things i thought was getting a remote with my VCR so that i could sit on my daybed about 5 feet back and watch movies that id already seen 50 times over. thanks to that period in time i can now recite to you homeward bound, the movie. i was bought almost every sherly temple movie that you could find because she was supposedly a good influence....she was what? FOUR! i remember how my brothers room slowly emptied itself and the door was always shut, and one day i walked in there when no one was home- the room wasnt empty like i had expected. i guess i probably hoped it was empty cuz at least that ouwld have been better than what i saw- they had put a tredmill, a desk, a excercise bike, and a tv in there and turned it into a small workout room- like my brother was never even there. all of his pictures were slowly taken off the wall and his name was hardly even spoken anymore....like he was a ghost. he was no ghost to me. in fact, i was always dying to get back to him. my brother was so distant though, when i was at my dads house. when mom called and i asked to talk to him, hed only talk for about 3 minutes. just long enough to say hi hope im ok and survivin the "bitch" as he called her and making sure i wasnt puttin up with any shit from my dad. ya know, normal brotherly love- or at least thats what i considered it since i didnt know any better. then hed tell me he loved me, he missed me, and hed talk to me later......that was it. i guess since my step mom expected to forget my brother, then she expected me to forget him- at least while i was in HER house anyways. like i always say, i got bubbled stupid......