Thursday, September 26, 2002

so if they bubbled me stupid..........then why do i miss it? i dont miss the bubble- i miss the people in it. my friend once claimed that she had this "disease" that was temperature controlled and said that she was gonna live in a bubble. i told her i wasnt gonna come visit her in the bubble but to have fun....she said "PARTY IN THE BUBBLE!" thats almost what it seems like now. theres a party in my bubble but im not invited- well actually i dont wanna go into the bubble- i just want the party. they say that you always end up back at ur roots- i dont know what to think cuz half of me hopes its true and the other half says SNAP OUT OF IT.

i feel like everyone knew everyone but me. i was nicks little sister or mom pat's granddaughter- every once in a while they'd ask if i was debee and pat's daughter which just made things worse cuz when i was little i couldnt stand to think about the divorce. it was too hard i guess or maybe i just didnt understand it but nevertheless i knew it was bad and that i cried. i remember this one time where my mom and dad stood outside yelling about my brothers shirt when she came to pick me up. they yelled for what seemed like an hour- in little kid time i bet it was only a few minutes but i remember it cuz it happened at the corner of my house on the sidewalk. i walked to ask my mom if we were gonna leave or if i was stayin with daddy and my brother walked over to me, picked me up, and carried me to the car where he turned on the radio really loud. i guess it was so that i couldnt hear the yelling but i just remember him being so little- but he was so big at the same time. i must have been 4 or 5 which made him about 9. there were so many times i remember like that, where my brother saved me from everything. sure i had parents- 4 of them eventually before i turned 7, 8 grandparents....but only one brother.

he never bubbled me stupid. in that small town where everyone knew everyone but me, he always told them who i was. thats why i only knew his friends and never had any of my own.......cuz everyone that knew my brother, knew me..........

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

so i lived in a small house in a small town i like to call complicated nowhereville. the town was one of those places where everyone knows everyone.......except for me. i was a part timer in their eyes, i mean if they even had eyes or saw me at all. most of the time i felt invisable anyways. i mean i only knew my brothers friends and our relatives. i knew two other people in that town and they were workers in the local grocery store. i never knew their names though i just knew them because every time i saw them they always smiled at me. they must have known my parents though, in face they more than likely did since everyone knew everyone but me, becuz they knew everything about me. one of the women worked in the meat department behind the window where you can see people chop up and butcher the meat right in front of u. she always scared me, but no matter how scared i was of her i always walked back into the big white butchering room to stand about 3 feet from her, smile, wave, and run back out.....i must have been a strange child cuz i definately acted like i owned the place. the other woman worked at the cigarette booth- i must have been exposed to a lot of things cuz it seems like ive known her forever, dont know her name either- but i was never around anyone that smoked until i was 8 or so when my step mom's parents came about........i remember that grocery store. it was as big as a kroger but so darn personal....guess thats what u get from living in a small town where everyone knows everyone but me.....

Monday, September 23, 2002

bubble me stupid- yea thats what they did alright. bubbled me stupid. they made me live my life in a bubble of paranoia thinkin that everything led to a chain reaction and that my slightest mistake would bring a downfall of horrible events to our little house. "dont answer the phone" they said- it could be my mother! for heaven's sake that would just be dreadful and surely id be brainwashed to thinkin they were the devil. oh no the callerID isnt there for you to use, its for us.......mmhmm riiiiiiight...........bubble me stupid.......yea thats what they did alright.